Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
