Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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