it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
