So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
