i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
