I'm lost and stupid without you.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
