I'm really into asian looking animals
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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