Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
