So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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