I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Sober January is a disaster.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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