I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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