she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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