Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
