bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
