Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
