oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
