he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
