Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
