you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
