Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
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