I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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