That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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