The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
she told me i tasted like america
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
