You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
