I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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