I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
