and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Just puked most of my soul out..
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
