is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
