Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
