Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
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