hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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