Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
