Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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