I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
That reminds me...we need to get swords
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
