i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
