I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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