Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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