What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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