you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize