i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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