are you still at the devil's house?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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