I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
