So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
whose ass print is on the piano?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
