I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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