meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
