He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
