where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
