how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
