final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
