I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
