Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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